English 101

MGA INGLESERA SA KANTO:

1.ats if!

2.the nerd!

3.im sick of tired!

4.true good to be true!

5.when it rains,it's four!

6.once in a new moon.

7.keep your mouth shock!

8.connect me if im wrong.

9.i hope u dont mine.

10.will u please give me alone?

11. PLS. DON'T MAKE FOND OF ME!

The Parable of the Squash

Si Nene nagtanung sa Nanay niya..

NENE: Nay...what is Love?

NANAY: kung gusto mong malinawan kung ano ang pag ibig...pumunta ka sa taniman natin ng kalabasa at kumuha ka ng pinakamalaki at pinaka mainam na bunga nito at ibigay mo sa akin... subalit isang beses ka lang dapat tumawid sa kalabasahan natin at wag mong babalikan ang yong mga nalagpasan..

at nagpunta si Nene sa kalabasahan at pagdating sa kalabasahan ay nkakita sya ng kalabasa na malaki at mainam..subalit sa paghahangad na makakita pa sa gawing kalagitnaan ng mas mainam at mas malaking bunga ay nilagpasan nya ito..pagdating sa kalagitnaan ay nkakita sya ng higit na maganda at malaking bunga subalit nilagpasan nya ulit ito sa paghahangad ng mas malaki at mas mainam na bunga sa gawing duluhan.. subalit pgdating nya sa gawing dulo ng kalabasahan ay wala ng mas higit at mas magandang bunga kaysa sa mga bungang nilagpasan nya..naalala nya ang sabi ng Ina na bawal bumalik kayat lumabas sya sa dulo ng kalabasahan na walng daladalang bunga.. at pagdating sa bahay ay sinabi nya sa ina ang ngyari..

NANAY: ganyan ang pag ibig anak... sa kagustuhan natin na makita ang inaakala nating mas mainam at mas mabuti ay hindi natin namamalayan na sa bandang huli ay wala na pala taung mapipili dahil hinayaan natin itong lumagpas.

napatango tango ang bata at itoy muling nagtanong...

NENE : Nay..what is Marriage?

NANAY: anak..ngaun pumunta ka nman sa ating maisan at ganun din ang gawin mo sa sinabi ko sau..

at nagpunta si Nene sa maisan at naghanap ng pinaka malaki at pinaka mainam na bunga ng mais..

at pagdating sa kalagitnaan ay nkakita sya ng katamtamang bunga nito na sa pakiwari nya ay kuntento na sya.. at sa pag aalala na baka mgkamali muli ay pinitas nya ito at bumalik sya sa Ina na daladala ang bunga ng mais..

NANAY: Ngaun anak..pinili mo ang sa tingin mo ay nararapat sau at kung saan ka kuntento..dahil ayaw mo ng magkamali...ganyan ang pagpapakasal anak... piliin mo kung alin sa tingin mo kung saan ka kuntento at makapgbibigay sau ng kaligayahan.. dahil baka pagdating sa dulo ay wala ka ng pagpipilian...

Sabi nga ng kasabihan, "a woman is always looking for her ideal man, in the meantime she marries another."

The Correct Way to Spell Potato

Big and Small in Ilocano

titser:ano ang english ng paniki?
pedro: BAT mam!

 titser:very gud Eh ang maliit na paniki?
pedro: BAT TIT mam! (Ilocano for small)

 (NAASAR)
pinalitan ang tanung..

 titser:anu ang ingles ng pato?
juan:DUCK mam!,

titser:gud, eh ang malakng pato?
 juan:DUCKEL mam! (Ilocano for big, dakkel).

The Presence of the Holy Spirit

..'..Isang batang lalaki nakatingin sa labas ng simbahan...

 Pari: bkt hnd ka pmasok sa loob iho?

 Bata: kc po bka mwla ung bike ko.

Pari: wag kang mag-alala, ang espiritu santo ang magbbantay s bike mo.
(pumasok na sila s cmbahan)

 Pari: marunong kb mgdasal?

Bata: opo.

Sa ngalan ng Ama, ng Anak, Amen.

Pari: kulang ata iho..!  Nsan ang espiritu santo?

Bata: nsa lbas po, bnabantayan ung bike ko..!!

The Power of Communication

WIKIPEDIA: I kn0w everythng .
GO0GLE: i have everythng.
TWITTER: I kn0w what you guys thnk .
FACEB0OK: i kn0w everyone.
INTERNET: duh ! with0ut me, u guys are n0thng !
KURYENTE: w0w! , nahya naman aq?!

Anti-Pick Up Lines for Would Be Lovers

Parable of a Father

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

Depression

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her.

By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

Parable of Virtues

Once all the Virtues--Wisdom, Knowledge, Prosperity, Beauty, Charity, Time-- were inside a boat and because of a big storm the boat was about to capsize. Each one quickly grabbed a life raft and jump to the sea. Unfortunately, there was not enough life raft and Wisdom had to swim through a raging sea.

Prosperity passed by and Wisdom cried out, "Prosperity can you take me with you?" Prosperity answered, "No I can't. There's so much silver and gold in my raft. There's no place here for you."

Wisdom decided to ask Beauty who was also passing by, "Beauty, please help me!" I can't help you Wisdom. You're all wet and you might destroy my beauty kits in my raft."

Charity was close by so Wisdom asked for help, "Charity, let me go with you." "O Wisdom," answered Charity, there's a lot of Virtues already in here. There's no more room for charity."

Suddenly there was a voice, "Come Wisdom, I will take you." Wisdom quickly hopped in and they reached shore" Wisdom asked Knowledge who was that Virtue who helped him. "It was Time."  "Time? But why did Time help me?"

"Because only Time cares for Wisdom."